So today I want to promote something I have written. It is based on an event in my life but I am not releasing what it is for obvious reasons. Hope you guys enjoy. I am in the middle of writing something new.
Footsteps slowly creaked towards me. My bedroom door handle slowly turned opening it.
My back was to the door but I knew exactly who it was. My dad had already come in but we did not talk. We just sat there in silence but somehow it made me feel a little better. He made me feel like I could get through it.
“Bella? Are you ok?”
“No mum. I’m not.”
I could not believe what I am hearing. How am I supposed to be ok when he is gone? There has to be a way to bring him back. If I can just turn back time and give him a reason not to get on that bus. Maybe if I had asked him for help with something. If I had apologised and asked him to come with me.
Now he is gone. NO it isn’t possible. This can’t be happening.
“I just want to say I am here if you need to talk.”
I rolled over to face her.
“How am I supposed to talk to you? I don’t even want to see you.”
She had known all night. I was sitting there all night watching the news. I asked her at least 10 times if they had found out who it was. She just sat there and told me they didn’t know yet. Every single time. I don’t get how she can bring herself to do it. When she knows damn straight how close we were.
“I did it for you honey.”
“HOW? You knew how close we were. You knew how important he was but instead I had to find out by walking into school to everyone crying. I had to ask a girl I have never even known to exist what the hell was going on. TO FIND OUT HE IS DEAD!!! To find out you were lying all night.”
“Sweetie I am sorry. I did not want to say anything until it was definite. I didn’t want to worry you for no reason.”
“You did it so you did not have to talk about it. You did not even know him and yet you tried to act as if you were too hurt to talk about it. What about me. What about his best friend. Where do I stand in all of this?”
“I had no idea you were so close.”
“MAYBE BECAUSE YOU NEVER ASKED!”
With this, I rolled back over so that she knew I did not want to talk anymore.
She stood there in silence for a few moments and then I heard my dad slowly creep up to the door. They were talking about what had happened but I did not hear much of what they said because I drifted off to sleep.
After what must have been hours, I finally woke up after what must have been hours. I all of a sudden felt physically sick as I remembered the events of the previous day. Disbelief hit me and I all of a sudden thought it was all a bad dream.
I got up, walked over to my desk, picked up my brush, and turned to the mirror. My eyes were all red and puffy and that is when it hit me, nothing was a dream. No matter how much I tried to convince myself it was, it just didn’t work. I felt a fresh wave of tears roll in and tried to stop it. I couldn’t force them back any longer, dropped to the ground, and cried until I thought I had no more tears left. I slowly got back up and gradually made my way down to the kitchen. Mum was on the phone to the school office lady and was facing the window so I walked in quietly so I didn’t disturb her and grabbed the cereal, milk and a bowl and made myself breakfast even though I wasn’t hungry because I didn’t want to worry mum.
Even if I was angry with her, I was not willing to let her worry herself over silly things. Especially when something this bad had just happened.
She must have heard me because I went to look up to see if dad was up, she was looking at me with tears threatening to leave a glistening trail down her pretty face. I did have to admit, even though she has had three children, she still looks not a day over 23.
She told the office woman that I was not going to be attending school due to the incident and I could hear the woman’s voice saying that she highly respected that and would inform the teacher although she did not think many people would be going to school. They said their goodbyes and mum hung up. She came over and swept me up in one of her mum hugs that always makes you feel safe and help you know you are going to get through anything, even losing your best friend.
We stayed there for about 5 minutes until we heard the sound of dad at the kitchen door and she went over and hugged him and he came over me one of his “daddy’s here and isn’t going anywhere. Its ok don’t worry hugs.”
After a couple of days of serious sadness, mum decided that it was time that I went back to school even for just half of the day. So I got up, got dressed, tried to convince her to let me stay at home for just one more day. She refused so I walked over to dad, gave him one more hug and walked outside to the car. The trip to school was silent so I took the opportunity to look at all the memorials the town people had made for him.
“You know you could always go to the shops later and add so flowers to Har-“
“Please don’t say his name. Not this soon. I don’t really want to walk into school a complete mess.”
“Ok bub. Sorry. As I was saying. You could add some flowers to his memorial or we could go to the place and put some flowers there and maybe a cross. I hear they were waiting for one of his close friends to do something but all the boys haven’t been seen by anyone outside their house since it happened.”
Hoping she would stop if she thought I was agreeing with her even though I never want to step foot on that corner again but I cannot stop thinking about who did this. Why someone would be so stupid as to get in a truck with drugs and alcohol in their system and then drive straight through a stop sign by not paying attention to the road but instead his phone. I wish everything could be different.
My thoughts all of a sudden snap back to reality when the car comes to a sudden stop. I instantly looked around thinking we were nearly in an accident because I didn’t think we could possibly be already at school but my worries subsided when I saw the school front office and realised we were in the school car-park.
I looked over at mum and she smiled at me to encourage me. I reached over to her and hugged her. “Would you like me to walk in with in?”
“No. I think I need to walk in on my own so I can go straight to anyone that needs someone to talk to.”
With this, I got out and slowly walked towards the school gates. The first person I met with was a Melanie. She had clearly been going through the same pain as the rest of his friends because she had the same tear stains on her usually rosy but colourless cheeks that everyone else. It was as though we had one thing that showed we all feel the same pain.
We spoke for a long time and when the bell went, we walked to class together and ran to our teacher who we hugged and told everything would be ok as she broke down on our shoulder. In any other situation, it would have felt weird because it is usually the teachers’ job to comfort the student but this time it felt so right. It was as though we had an understanding of each other’s pain.
Looking back on it I realise that while I had my parents to comfort me and so did the other students, who was there for Ms James, probably no-one. I guess that is why we instantly wanted to comfort her.
About five other students walked in and we all sat at one table and started asking one another if they were ok. The seven of us stuck together all day and when mum came and asked if I wanted to come home, I told her I wanted to stay here to support everyone else. She smiled and said that she would be back at the end of school but if I wanted to go home all I have to go home, all I have to do is get the office to ring. I said ok and she walked out and got in her car. I waved to her until I could not see her car anymore and then ran back to class.
I had been in class for about half an hour when a woman walked into class that I did not recognise and she told us that she was a councillor and was in the library with some of the other students if any of us wanted to talk.
She walked out and two or three people followed her but the rest stayed. I stayed because I thought that talking to other people going through the same thing would help much more and I still believe I was right.
Each day went the same for about two months but slowly the pain began to fade.
After about 2 weeks, school went back to somewhat normality and classes started again. Nothing was the same but it was as normal as possible. Since then, the only thing we have been able to do is come together, pick each other up and support one another so the pain was not so bad.
Looking back at it now, I know that God took away my best friend for a reason. As much as I miss him every day, I know that he would want everyone to continue in his or her lives. I look forward to the day I can finally say “Hey big brother what’s doing” again just like I did every time I walked into school before the worst day of my life.
Miss you bro. Love always. Bell Bell xxx
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GirlOnline9113, Disappearing for a while
ps. no my name is not bella